


I love you, but goodbye

by TheNextPage



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 02:24:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7599811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNextPage/pseuds/TheNextPage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are enough.<br/>And the sentiment is wonderful. But the love you offer me as it is right now, is not what I want...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I love you, but goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lady_in_Red](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_in_Red/gifts).



> This is a gift to the incomparable MaidSlayer crack-pusher that is Lady_in_Red

He had clung to her, pouring out his heart and soul.

No...not his heart and soul. He had plumbed the bowels of his sin and vice, and threw it up at her feet, there in his expensive, classically decorated apartment. He had spewed forth his debased lust and incestuous relationship with Cersei, his conflicted distance yet reverence for his father, and his complicated brotherly love and protection of Tyrion, in the face of Cersie’s constant scorn and derision. He did not touch on any lingering sentiment attached to his mother’s memory; his indifference to Robert’s death; questions surrounding his sister’s hand in the whole affair; he skirted over when he pushed young Bran Stark from the window (yet still managed to destroy a portion of her soul...eradicating one more segment of his image in her eyes). He spewed forth all his filth and lay it at her feet, his enchanting, haunted eyes pleading in all their virescent splendour for her understanding, his golden features craving her forgiveness and empathy, her consideration and acceptance.

And Brienne sat rooted to his couch, watching this beautiful man leak obscenities and the very worst of him all night. And she sat, turning over again and again, what she was meant to do with all of this. She had saved him then he had saved her; she had been a magical catalyst for him to aspire to be better and do better. And he had succeeded, it seemed, in part.  
She returned from her own thoughts to find tears illuminating his eyes, a trace of moisture already tracking a path down his cheek. She reached for him, brushing the tears already fallen from his face and silently suffered more to fall.  
He collapsed against her safe comforting presence, weeping for all that he had lost, all that he could never regain, weeping for the loss of himself and the crushing realisation that he missed the possibility of that man. Brienne held him to her, dampening his racking sobs and quietly taking into herself, some of his misery and pain, if only to hasten its expulsion from his body and mind.

Jaime came to rest atop her, before they squirmed and breathed, re-aligning to sleep comfortably beside one another, noses touching, breath intermingling. It was in that moment, Brienne was convinced his every exhale synchronised with her inhales. She was taking him in, giving away parts of herself in fragments. She feel asleep turning over if that was a good or bad thing.  
***  
The early morning winter sun was gentle. It lit the spacious apartment without being overly harsh.

Jaime made a general grumbling sound in his throat, complaining without words of the discomfort of sleeping on the couch. He reached about blearily for the warm softness of Brienne, but his hand came up empty, instead feeling a lukewarm patch beside him. In a groggy haze, he peeled his eyes open and turned his head reluctantly to find her. And there she was, in the armchair, watching him wake from a dreamless sleep.

“Wench,” he croaked slowly. 

That raised a smile to her lips. But in the next moment, a sombre contemplative glaze returned to her features.

“Jaime, I’m leaving. And I won’t be back. Not for a long time.  
I will be back. Just not anytime soon...”

Her words were rousing him to full alertness now. He sat up, trying to keep his composure. “What? I don’t understand...” he started.

Raising a hand to stop him, she interrupted his questions before they started in earnest.

“Last night, you told me who you were. All of it. Laid yourself bare. Vulnerable...” her voice was delicate and soft on the last word. 

“Thank you for trusting me with your truth. But Jaime, I cannot save you. Not from yourself. Not anymore.

More than anything, I need some time and space for me. I’ll still be here for you, always will really. But whatever comes next for you... you have to figure out on your own. I can’t walk beside you for that. I won’t be your crutch – wittingly or otherwise.”

“But Brienne, I love you!” Jaime blurted out.

“I know.  
And thank you for that. But... but...” 

Brienne cast her gaze to the side for a moment, ordering the words so that he would hear what she had to say. 

“You are enough. And the sentiment is wonderful. But the love you offer me as it is right now, is not what I want. I deserve it refined, matured...damn near perfected. It’s still something raw and all passion. Which is exciting and alluring. But it is not enough. I can do nothing with your fledgling never-before-tested independent attempt at loving me. I want...” she held his gaze as her mouth opened to share the words clattering around in her mind. “I want you at your best. I want you consciously competent of the best you can be and actively living that. I saw the old Jaime put to rest yesterday. I see the new Jaime greeting his first day today. I don’t want to walk you through these early growth spurts. I want you to return to me, as near complete as you can be and offer me that evolved, ready love.  
I want that. I deserve nothing less.” 

She stood then, watching his confusion and wonder war across his face. She was pleased he wasn’t angry. It might all appear too much right now, but he was strong enough to process and continue in the strength of what she had said. 

“Will you wait for me?” He asked as she picked up her jacket that was slung on the back of one of the kitchen bar-stools. She moved with fluid grace around his space.

She folded the jacket gently over her arm, smiling serenely back at him. 

“No.

But that’s ok. Because you’re not doing this for anyone but you. And when you’re ready to offer me what I want, life will find us I’m sure.”

Jaime remained fixed on the couch, replaying her words and trying to understand what she was saying. He was startled by her hovering over him momentarily, before she knelt before him and arrested him with her sapphire gaze. She smiled a small, indecipherable smile before leaning forward, pausing a moment and then laying her lips on his cheek, pressing a gentle kiss there. She backed away slightly, held him transfixed in her enchanting gaze, before standing up and walking to the door, and out of his life.

***  
Much Later  
Brienne sat sipping on her frozen lemonade and mint at the bookstore, before she would finish her stroll from the market with that Saturday’s lunch items. The weather had been particularly fresh and promising that morning, inspiring her to wake and don skinny jeans, sandals and a white stand-collar top. She was still self-conscious about her appearance and general expectations about her, far from being considered a beauty but she was comfortable in her own skin.   
She had another sip of her drink before realising it was finished.  
She considered the book on military tactics adapted from WWII she was reading, before casting a further glace at the "Classic Authors Love-letters" that also lay on the table. She smiled at the depth of her interests before standing up and collecting her bag of groceries and walking to the till.

“I’ll take this one, thanks” she smiled to the cashier, handing over the Classic Authors Love-letters as she reached for her wallet.

She placed the military tactics on the counter and to the side, the unspoken request that the book be replaced on the bookshelf. Her purchase was rung up and she paid for it, slipping it into her bag as she turned to leave. And that’s when she bumped into him: Jaime. 

He had a copy of the military tactics book she had been reading, and "Message in a Bottle" by Nicholas Sparks. She cocked her head to the side to see him, a smile breaking out across her face to see the books in his hands.

“Hello,” she smiled.

She was genuinely pleased to see him, looking as beautiful as ever. It was as if the years had stood still since she last saw or spoke to him.

“Brienne?! Hello!” 

He was taken by surprise to see her. But by the warmth radiating from his smile, it wasn’t an unpleasant one. “I uh... this is...” he was stammering. All that nonchalant charm having seemingly fled.

He exhaled pointedly, shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and tried again. “It’s great to see you. Do you have time for me? Coffee perhaps?” He asked, gesturing towards one of the nearby tables.

“I actually just finished my drink. I was headed home to make a little lunch. You can join me if you’d like.” Her offer rolled easily off her tongue.

Jaime flushed furiously, before ducking his head to re-examine his purchase choices. Looking back up at her, feeling happily ensnared by those cerulean beams, he knew he would follow her to the ends of the earth if she asked.

“That would be lovely. I’ll just get these quickly.” Jaime raised the two books and moved past her, his hand brushing against her arm as he held her in place and sidestepped her to the till.

“Military tactics are a popular read this morning huh?!” The cashier mused aloud, smiling at Jaime and eyeing Brienne over his shoulder.

With his purchases in hand, Jamie fell into step beside this extraordinary woman from his past. He wondered if the words would come easily or if they would need to skate through pleasantries before trying to reconnect on a more personal, more real note. They weaved out the store and into the main street, heading towards the small farmers market and towards the apartments that overlooked the lake.

“I didn’t know you lived here. How long has it been? I’m here all the time... how come I’ve only bumped into you now?” Seemingly Jamie was not struggling to find words.

Brienne laughed lightly, readjusting her bag on her shoulder. 

“I do indeed live here. Have for the last little while. I only became a regular of the store after they revamped. The previous proprietors were quite douche-y and I never felt comfortable giving them my money. I like the smaller, more intimate feel. The store has only recently re-opened. I’ve only been a regular these last 3weeks. Today was the first day they remembered my order offhand.

How have you been Jaime?” She cut to the quick.

“Better for seeing you. I’m... I’m not perfect yet. But I understand now what you meant when you left. I understand why you left. It was a blessing for us both. I am well Brienne. But I would be better with you.”

He hadn’t anticipated so much honesty to pour forth from him. But there it had all been. It didn’t seem too much, too heavy all at once. If felt like continuing a conversation.

“I have a love worthy of giving you now. If you would be open to that... if you want it.” Jaime was speaking to the placid lake that set his mind to lull with the easy ebb and flow of the water. “Me. If you want me.” He finished.

“I am open to that. I’ve always wanted it. But now I’m happy it’s something worthy of me.” 

She nodded resolutely. It had been a gamble, to walk away from him, to tell him she wouldn’t wait. But she had been worth it. She backed herself for the win. And had hoped that she would get one more chance to be with Jaime in a more balanced manner; more than the near-desperate plea of a drowning man attempting to cast his lot with a stable form, as had been his original proposal. She hadn’t wanted to stay playing at saving him. She wanted to live and love, freely and unencumbered. Maybe this time apart had freed him from so much that weighed him down. So much expectation...

“Wench, are we nearly home yet? I’m starving!” Jaime cooed beside her. 

Brienne laughed; an open and honest trill that rang out as she nudged him with her shoulder. “Almost there Jaime. We’re almost there.”


End file.
